Friday, June 6, 2008

Makeup Magic and Florida Wildlife

While enjoying my pedicure the other day I was reading an article about make-up application. Something about how to be as beautiful as your favorite movie star or something. Yeah, that'll be the day. The eye catcher was the part about how you should spend at least 20 minutes applying your make-up to ensure perfection.

20 minutes. I don't know about you, but I for one could and would not spend 20 minutes doing my face unless I were in prison. That's the only place I can think of that I might have that kind of time (while doing time). Come to think of it, it won't work there either. I think most prisoners only get to use make-up if they are doing an interview for 20/20 Mystery. They borrow an ill fitting and very pilled sweater from the Head Matron and slap on a little borrowed lipstick so they can talk about how they are completely innocent of all charges and that must have been someone else's fingerprints on the machete.

I timed myself this morning. It took me a little under 4 minutes to do everything from toner and that all important moisturizer to blush and eyeshadow. I'm probably a bit more slapdash than my "favorite movie star", whoever that might be. At my age I'm looking at maybe Dame Judi Dench for pointers.

The important rules that I personally follow are "make sure your _______ doesn't/don't look like __________'s."

My list goes something like this:

Make sure your:
  • eyelids don't look like garage doors slamming shut when you blink
  • eyebrows don't look like Uncle Louie's (that's the Seinfeld episode where his eyebrows got singed off and Elaine drew them back on with a black magic marker) or like Joan Crawford's when you're hanging your clothes on wire hangers.
  • eyeliner doesn't look like Liz Taylor's during her Cleopatra years, or like Cher's any time
  • Eyelashes don't look like Lucille Ball's.
  • Lipstick doesn't look like Lucille Ball's or Joan Crawford's (coloring within the lines applies here).
  • Blush doesn't look like Bozo the clown.

That's about it. If I pass muster, and I remember to check the back of my hair, I'm good to go.

Next topic

Several of my Northern acquaintances have asked about Florida Wildlife. Specifically bugs. They call and say: I hear there are a lot of bugs in Florida. Is that true? To which I reply: To tell you the truth, I've seen far more bugs in Michigan. However, the bugs you see in Florida are quite memorable.

Palmetto bugs the size of fire trucks are a prime example of memorable. Spiders so big you can hear them walk is another. So it's not the number, it's the overall weight and length that will astonish.

You probably already know this, but if you see a (normal sized) spider in the house just spray him/her with hairspray or spray starch. They are rendered incapable of moving long enough for you to call animal control or run out of your house screaming. Which ever you prefer.

The thing that brought this to mind is I walked into the bathroom last night and got that eerie feeling that I was not alone in there. Without moving anything except my eyeballs I searched about and sure enough there was a palmetto bug ( okay, okay I know they're cockroaches, but we here in Florida prefer to call them palmetto bugs) the size of the Queen Elizabeth II in the shower. I dispatched him quite handily. What to do about them is not the point here, the point is they are big enough that you know you are not alone in the room. How spooky is that? Very. I've creeped myself out here. Think I'll go sit by the pool for a while. Thanks for stopping by!!


Anonymous said...

Maybe I've missed it, but who's Lily? Could you have meant Looly?

MuseSwings said...

Looly! That's a hoot. She's some movie person named Lily something. I don't know who most stars are anymore. I've lost track. They're sooooooo young!