Tuesday, February 24, 2009

Dr. West Discusses the uhm Wedding Journey


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When we last left Dr. West, he was suggesting that the bride starve herself at the wedding in order to avoid embarrassing emissions. Hopefully her mother will take a moment to speak with her of important matters (Millicent, you are embarking on a uhm ahhhh uh journey that is…….well uh aaaaaa whaaa uhm a er neep unh oh you look a bit peckish dear, how about I fix you a nice chicken sandwich?) (white or wheat?)
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And now, if you will take a seat, Dr. West will discuss the all important wedding journey:
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A wedding journey is the prescribed finale of the wedding festivities. It is usually begun on the day of the marriage and is of variable length, both in the distance traveled (Have you seen the GPS, Millicent?) and in the time devoted to it. It is a custom with some commendable features, but many that are the exact reverse. It is advisable that husband and wife should be alone for a week or two, both in order to enjoy each other’s society, and to become thoroughly acquainted with each other. It is also desirable that this relation should be apart from the family and friends of both (preferably abroad so the bride cannot dash home to her mother, run up the stairs and lock herself in her childhood room)



Millicent, dear, I was just going to ask you if you would like a chicken sandwich

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There is a vulgar familiarity indulged by close friends which cannot but be annoying and humiliating to a woman of sensitive and refined tastes ( Ooooh Milllllllicent how did you sleeeeeeeep last niiiiiiiight ??? (wink wink))
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The looks, actions and sometimes the words of such friends seem to intimate that the one object and aim of marriage – its summum bonom – (I have to look this up in Gray’s Anatomy) is the indulgence of animal appetite (Oh lordy, where did I put those smelling salts!!!!) The sly look, the suppressed twitter, the covert insinuation, all point to this one fact, that such a thought is uppermost in the mind. The husband, poor fellow, is made to run the gauntlet of no end of gibes and intimations, doubly galling because they mean nothing disassociated from the woman who is now his wife. And whom he now loves and respects above all her kind. He can resent nothing. (Except, perhaps, for having been made to sleep in the bathtub on his wedding night) He knows, perhaps – the guilty wretch! -that he has guyed his friends when they were married. Besides, to show irritation is to put himself out of character as a happy bridegroom. It is better, therefore the honeymoon be spent away from familiar (Why you evil, leering, ogling, besmirching, humiliating, taunting, drooling, staring and otherwise insinuating friends!)
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You asked my new bride if she slept well??????? Now see what you have done!
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It is not unusual to devote this time to travel. This is unwise. Traveling and sightseeing is exhausting, even in ordinary circumstances. It is tenfold more so under the conditions of the (I feel faint) honeymoon. Few women at marriage are experienced travelers. They do not know how to travel and escape its weariness. They are accustomed to the peace and quiet of home life, and the railway or hotel is trying on their nerves. The husband, be he ever so kind and attentive, is a comparative stranger (Mother said I must never speak to strangers!) What she requires more than anything else, is quiet and rest. (opiates too) This she cannot possibly attain in the bustle and strangeness of a crowded hotel.

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The foundation of many an unhappy future is laid on the wedding tour. Not only is the young wife tried beyond all her experience, but the husband too, partakes of her weakness. Many men who really love the woman they marry are subject to a slight revulsion of feeling a few days after marriage. When the veil falls and the girdle is loosed (are we talking about his or hers here??) the fair illusion vanishes. ( Well, that’s all I really wanted, Millicent. Thanks ever so) A half regret crosses their minds for the jolly bachelorhood they have renounced. The mysterious charms which gave their loved one the air of something more than human, disappear in a prosaic sunlight of familiarity. This mutual revulsion of feeling is entirely natural, It will pass away in a few days and a deep abiding tenderness, founded on a more substantial basis than lover’s affections will take its place. Patience and self-command on the part of both are needed, lest permanent dislike be established.

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Necessities for the bride's medicine cabinet
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Many a woman dates the loss of her health to her wedding tour. Add to this the consummation of the marriage ( oh spare me, my eyesight is beginning to fade) means a great change in her physically, and the reason for her destroyed health can be readily seen. So many cases of permanent unhappiness and permanent ill-health dating from the wedding journey come under the notice of all physicians that it is no wonder that many of them condemn it altogether. (what? condemn what? Sounds like the poor dear thing should just skip the marriage?)
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A short journey is a benefit if it be followed by a week or ten days of quiet, peaceful rest in some home like place (asylum? hospital perhaps? Induced coma?) If in summer a sojourn by the seaside and a stay in a quiet home-like hotel is delightful. If the marriage occur in a colder season, nothing is better than a visit to a prudent affectionate friend of the bride (didn’t you just say NO leering disgusting flatulent friends?) one who is herself happily married (oh Beatrice, how did you EVER survive!). The wife will gain both the home-rest so demanded, and also can confide in her experienced friend what she cannot yet tell her husband ( Louisa! You will NOT believe what Hubert has proposed that I do! I am so mortified I shall fall in a dead faint) and can receive better counsel than even her husband can give. ((Millicent, you are embarking on a uhm ahhhh uh journey that is…….well uh aaaaaa whaaa uhm a er neep unh oh you look a bit peckish dear, how about I fix you a nice chicken sandwich?) (white or wheat?)

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25 comments:

Debby said...

Oh, I abhor graphic blog posts. My cheeks are stained with the rosy blush of shame and embarrassment. Pass the medicinal bottle please.

Betsy said...

tee-hee!

Sparky ♥ ∞ said...

Dr. West must have lived in his own little fantasy world!? His books are too funny. I hope no one took his writings seriously. I do extensive genealogy research, and there was a whole lot of pre-marital kadoodling going on out there. [giggle] Innocent indeed! HA! ♥ ∞

Martha said...

This is "quite the lesson", gee, that is some medicine cabinet. Where is the Indian hemp? That was used with the "faster set".
Thank you, Madame Muse, always educational here at your lovely blog.

Blicky Kitty said...

Oh millicent dear, let me fix you a lovely cup of laudinun, oh I mean...hot tea with a nice side of BOOM CHICKA WEOOW WOOOOWWWW!

Blicky Kitty said...

Oh and Millicent, I trust you enjoyed the lovely BOOM CHICKA BAO BAOOO during the voyage?

MuseSwings said...

You have noticed, I am sure, that the Dr has not, in all of his discussions, given any real biological information to this lamb to the slaughter? Of course due to our sensitive natures, especially Debby's we are overwrought and have taken to our chaises. Salts please!

Anna Lefler said...

Lord, I'm glad that low-emissions law wasn't in effect at *my* blessed nuptials - they'd have kicked me right out!

Wa-Hoo!

XO

Anna

Jeanne said...

"This mutual revulsion of feeling is entirely natural." Had I but known this, I could have stayed married the first time!

Lavinia said...

This is precisely why I have remained a joyous spinster. Dr. West has hit the nail on the head and I won't be any more graphic than that! He is quite correct about railways and hotel being trying on the nerves, especially when you miss the train in question, or the hotel room 'view' is of a brick wall above the greasy spoon next door.

I shall now retire for a lie-down after all the excitement stirred within me from this post. A handkerchief dipped in lavender water shall cool my brow and a drop or two of tea to soothe the jangled nerves.

No opiates! Honest!

Renee said...

Slept well? har har har

I love when you write these stories.

xoxoxo

steviewren said...

Sounds like maybe good ole doc West was just put out cause his own dear wife didn't put out....I'm just sayin......it takes one to know one....

Debby said...

Oh, Stevie, you made me laugh! Of course, that's it. Poor Dr. West was unhappily matched. Convinced as he was that it couldn't be his fault, he came up with his whole theory of womanly nerves and hysteria. It probably comes right down to the fact that he was a smelly old goat who was denied access to his wife's bedchamber!

MuseSwings said...

You ALL made me laugh! Boom chicka boom (wink wink)

Blicky Kitty said...

Just came back to see if it's safe over here. You see, my sensibilities are so delicate and so easily overwrouOWW CHICKA BOW BOW!!!!

Blicky Kitty said...

Oh there we go again. Someone let me know when the coast is clear.

Shellmo said...

Stevie beat me to it..... I was just going to say I don't think Dear Dr. West was getting some...I mean I don't think he was getting some chicken sandwiches.....

Sandy said...

I needed to come back tonight and finish the rest of the posts. This was hilarious...

Caroline said...

hehehehehehe

Snooze said...

Ok, this gives me en entirely new view on marriage :) Could stop laughing. Love your blog!

MamaOtwins+1 said...

This is great - I am dying to read more of your posts - Happy SITS Day!

Sharon said...

what a hoot!

happy SITS day!

Tricia McWhorter said...

GREAT post!! Visiting from SITS but I'll be back.

Christina said...

Oh, how did you get a picture of my medicinal cabinet? How embarrassing!

Happy SITS day!!

Scottish Lass said...

Congratulations Sitsta!