Tuesday, December 30, 2008

The Good Dr. West Discusses Insomnia


You can count on us, dearie! Mabel here is # One and I'm # Two. Portia back there has agreed to be # 3 and Maudy to my right with her butt in my face is willing to be #4.




The good Dr. West has decided to grace us with another appearance! The renowned author of Maidenhood and Motherhood (1886) has decided to tackle the subject of (yawn) insomnia. He feels that this is an excellent time, as we are on the very carapace of a new and economically disastrous year. Also the Yellowstone caldera is causing a bit of a stir amoung scientists. If that blows you'll get a lot of quality sleep. The permanent kind. It's not like I haven't warned you about this already.
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The holidays are fraught with hysteria which then results in sleepless nights. Stressful problems such as just when cousin Reginald is going to get off his dead ass and go home only add to the stress. Many a good, albeit hysterical, woman has spent the dark hours of Christmastide wide awake only to fall asleep face down in her breakfast oatmeal. The upside is the resulting discovery of the benefits of oatmeal (with or without brown sugar and cinnamon) on your complexion. The downside is getting raisins stuck to your contact lenses can be quite irritating.
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What are you looking at? He said you should count sheep. S-H-E-E-P. Do we look like sheep to you? You muttonhead!



Dr. West is well aware that the nervous affections resulting in insomnia are exceedingly prevalent among all classes and ages of women. Insomnia is the result of too much blood on the brain. He feels that the principles that should prevail in the treatment of wakefulness may be arranged in two classes.
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The first treatment is to soothe the nervous system or distract the attention, diminish the action of the heart and blood vessels or correct irregularities in their function and thus lessen the amount of blood in the brain. Monotonous sounds (like the Mister snoring in my left ear?), soft music, repetition by the individual of a series of words (maybe like quitsnoringinmyearquitsnoringinmyear), gentle friction over the surface of the body (I don't know how this is going to happen. Raoul, the house boy leaves before dinner) undulate movements ( again, Raoul.....), or counting from 500 backwards. There's always counting sheep.
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Hey, you got a raisin stuck on your eyeball, lady.


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If wakefulness is persistent, the above measures will not be adequate. Improvement of the patients general health is necessary. Suggestions for improved health include:


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  • A hearty supper of plainly-cooked and nutritious food

  • Avoidance of too much food as this augments rather than diminishes the quantity of blood in the brain.

  • Avoidance of too little food.
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In most cases, sleeplessness in women will only be corrected by a combination of good food and stimulants such as a few glasses of wine, or lager beer with dinner (now we're talking). In some cases, if the woman has languid circulation, wakefulness is speedily and entirely cured by a cup of coffee taken three or 4 nights in succession at bedtime.

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Other suggestions include:



  • some physical exercise,

  • warm bath,

  • put feet only in hot water (100 degrees)

  • Cold water 32 degrees) applied directly to the scalp. (I'll flatten anyone who tries this one on me)
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In severe cases of mental exertion (what would this be - like having to watch two football games and a hockey game on the same day?), all means of the cure will fail unless the brain is used in a rational way. Relaxation and mental rest are required as well as some medicinal treatments ( I think we're finally getting to the good treatments here)

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If you dimwits wake her up I shall have no choice but to shoot you.

Medications in order of usefulness according to Dr. West


  • Bromide of potassium is the most highly recommended (anti seizure med - for dogs and cats)
  • Hyoscyamus is a very valuable remedy (mandrake, flea bane, nightshade combo)

  • Chloral hydrate is a prime relaxant (This would be a Mickey Finn)

  • Opium (opium)

  • Morphia (Morphia)

What a quack - he hasn't mentioned the all time favorite of the Victorian lady: Laudanum. And lots of it.



Do I have something stuck between my teeth?

70 comments:

Janeen said...

Oh the days of sleeping through the night... sigh... someday I'll get those back.

Buttercream Cottage said...

My problem is I can't stay awake.

soulbrush said...

ha ha sheep counting doesn't work for me, i go over the beatles songs in my head trying to recall the words. honestly! told you i was wierd!!

Devoted said...

Great post!!! I have trouble sleeping at times however, my husband seems to think it is the three or four pots of coffee I consume in a day. LOL! I love the re-posts since I am a relatively new reader. Hope your Christmas was wonderful!

Debby said...

*sticks head around corner cautiously*

Has cousin Reginald gone home?

No?

I think if I haul off and clock him with my reticule, it might convince him that he needs to get off his dead ass. Hold my reticule whilst I fill it with the leaded crystal teardrops from the chandelier, please, Muse. Quit complaining. I know it's heavy...

LarryG said...

Thank you for the sweet award!
I will post before too long.

Hope your 2009 is wonderful.
Happy New Year!

Sparky ♥ ∞ and Wiregrass Steve said...

I'm so tired from company, I'm having a hard time staying aw... zzzzZZZZZZ
Sparky ♥ ∞ [lol]

Jeanne said...

Visiting by way of Sweet Repose.

You're very funny!

Margaret Ann said...

Hilarious...I like the Raoul option the best! :) LOL :)

Bibi said...

Great post (again)! If I ever win the "You Can Meet the Blogger of Your Choice" award (if there were such a thing), I would choose you. I share a similar sense of humor...

MuseSwings said...

You commenters are a riot! I would just love to meet you too, Bibi! We can laugh and take pictures of each other!

Blicky Kitty said...

Blogging must count as a new type of nervous affliction. Because it always prevents me from sleeping. (That and the plate of penuche fudge I made "for my daughter") At this point I'd normally wink but there's a waffle affixed to my brow and the effect would be lost. I'll just slip myself a Micky. I wonder if I can just stir some into my laudinum...

Martha said...

Gosh, I need to go back to bed. Ah the good old days when you could pick up your laundanum and morphia from your local druggist.

MuseSwings said...

Martha - and paregoric too. Blick - I'm on to you about that fudge. Send a plate over and we won't tell a soul. It's my favorite!

Renee said...

I love this post and the pictures were so much fun. Your wit is razor sharp.

Renee

Mesina said...

Ooooh your pictures just cracked me up!! I love sheep, seriously, and I could just hear voices from those pictures with your captions. Love it!! The post was great!!! You're very talented! xx

La Belle Mere UK said...

So So So funny...... you clever lady!! 3 posts I already love you! I will be an avid follower!!!

Happy SITS day.

B xxx

Tania @ Larger Family Life said...

OK I'll try the wine or beer.

Or the wine and beer.

Tania (via SITS)

Beth in NC said...

LOL ... too funny. I love the last goat picture too.

Coming over from SITS!

Have a great day!

mommytoalot said...

LOL..love it.
happy sits day

Robin said...

LOL...

I'm not sure about the first two but morphine....opium......yeah.....that should help. :-)

Oh those good old days....

Becky said...

Lol.
But, seriously, what is sleeping through the night?? I can barely recall...

Astrid said...

OMG! How funny! Did people seriously believe him????

LOL!
Happy SITS Day!

Teresha and Damon said...

Was he a real doctor or forerunner of what we call drug dealer?

HAPPY SITS DAY!

Cher said...

haha.. i second the last commenter's question. Weird! :)

Ungirdled Passion said...

I won't be sheepish about saying EWE are funny! Happy SITS! Love your masthead!

Life of a Stepmama said...

Love love your blog and Dr. West, bring on the opium!

Joy said...

Did I read that right? Drink coffee before bedtime?

Happy SITS day to you@

Kristin said...

Where can one find Opium these days. Ah ha ha ha. Happy SITS day!

Laura said...

Well insomnia is something I've never had to worry about. Just give a pillow & I'm out.

Elizabeth Patch said...

a few glasses of wine, some laudenum, som opium, some morphine, and a good hearty meal. now I'm feeling sleepy!

Creative Junkie said...

Loved that last photo!

I don't have insomnia because I have a husband who is proficient in techno speak and insists on explaining how everything works in excruciating detail. Works like a charm.

BlogBaby said...

Pass the Opium, I need a nap.

Thanks.

BlogBaby

Erin said...

I don't think anyone could be a true blogger if this didn't at least halfway apply!

Happy SITS Day!

Little Miss Baker said...

thats so true! I just had the worst sleep ever, again. Ughhh

Lula! said...

Best post ever...and now, I shall drift off to a deep sleep...

Superjaxster said...

Oh thank you so much for these remedies Dr West! Now I can soak my feet and have a beer without feeling guilty LOL

Dawn said...

Thankfully I don't have an insomnia problem, since I don't think Dr. West's suggestions would help. I could sleep all day every day! Those darn kids won't let me though. :-)

the planet of janet said...

zzzzzzzzzzzzzzzz

Culture Girl said...

Ha, ha, I love the captions on your photos.

I have two blogs, A Creature of Culture and Smitten by Britain. I'm thinking you might enjoy the one on Britain. You can find it here www.smittenbybritain.com

The Mom @ Babes in Hairland said...

This Dr. West must know me extremely well! :) Off to take a nap! Have a great day as SITS FB!

piecemeal people said...

Did this guy have a degree?!? A hearty dinner...avoiding too much food...avoiding too little food...KABOOM. Well, now I'm asleep because my freaking head just exploded.

Brooke said...

love the pictorial additions!

happy sits day. :)

Robbie S. Redmon, LPC said...

Happy SITS Day!

Amy said...

Okay, honestly, I am now a little wary about the meds doctors perscribe. Aren't half of those deadly? Nightshade? Crazy stuff. Oh, happy sits day.

Stephanie said...

Sleep? Bah. Bring on the caffeine! I think I did, in fact, fall asleep in my oatmeal today...ZZZZZZZZZ

Michelle said...

WOW. LOL. What can you even say to that...other than how clever you are!

Just Me said...

good stuff

Brandy said...

Happy SITS day!

Angela said...

Your posts are both interesting and entertaining, always a stellar combination!!! Well done!

Holly Noelle @ Domestic Dork said...

Ha! I love the goat in the last picture!

Pricilla said...

Happy SITS Day.
Now take a nap!

{Katie Lane} said...

Those are some cool looking sheep!

Leigh said...

Happy SITS day to you! I'll be back for more!

delilah, the unruly helpmeet said...

Oh, that was utterly charming. Well said!

Jessica said...

Your photos and comments are hysterical LOL.

barefacedapproach said...

Love love love your photos!! Happy SITS day to you!!!!

Tranquility said...

Interesting. I had no idea that a proper meal would include not too much and not too little proportions. I do like a good soaking of the feet however and will definitely give that, as well as the gentle friction over the surface of the body a thorough try!

shortmama said...

Dear Dr West...

Please send the best of everything youve got for my insomnia. I will thank you when I wake up in 3 weeks.

Sleepless in AZ
Shortmama

Reluctant Housewife said...

Wow! The drugs this Dr. West guy keeps suggesting are seriously alarming!

dddiva said...

Okay I don't want the drugs he prescribed but the ones he was obviously on. Great post.

My Household Junk said...

With those great suggestions, I think I'll stick with Valium.

Chaya Bluma said...

Ah yes. Too much blood in the brain causes insomnia. I've always suspected a good blood-letting might be beneficial for any number of ailments. Happy SITS Day!

Lamonica Epps said...

I like the photos you used for the post. Dr West gave some interesting advice about insomnia.

Stopping by from SITS

Mama Mel said...

So funny! :) Yes, drugs are always helpful... ;)

Amanda @ Serenity Now said...

I'll have to give these a try sometime. :) Happy SITS Day to you!

MommyAmy said...

Ha ha! What a quack!

MyMompreneur said...

Sleep is over rated anyway. Happy SITs day!

Norine said...

I'm a magazine writer, I write on health and nutrition... this is both scary and hilarious!! Thanks for sharing and Congrats on being featured!

Norine
Don't Put Lizards In Your Ears

Atlanta said...

All I chose to remember is the part about a few glasses of wine. I mean if the Dr. Says so... ;) I wish I could sleep through the night, so that I can get through the day without a strong desire for naps. Lots of em. HAPPY SITS DAY!
Sorry Im a day behind. I've been tired ;)