Dr. West The Wedding Planner - Part I

Dr. West’s long absence from the Maidenhood and Motherhood (circa 1886) lecture series is due, he explained, to a recent and prolonged overabundance of nervous disorders and the treatment thereof. He was kind enough to take a break from dispensing laudanum and smelling salts to discuss our next topic, The Wedding:

The Right Time To Marry.

Summer and Fall are the times usually selected. There are reasons that are indicated from the teachings of Nature that would point to springtime as the more commendable. This is the period generally selected by the lower animals as the time for mating which may be a significant suggestion to the human family (Millicent, do you remember seeing those randy little robins this afternoon? Try to keep that in mind as a suggestion of things to come, as it were..that people, as in nature…Millicent? Oh she’s fainted dead away again). An additional reason is if a child is born within the first year, the child will have attained sufficient age to resist the disorders of teething before the approach of the second summer. (Uhm, okay) .

The Right Time of the Month To Marry.
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There are certain times in every woman’s month that alone would indicate an unpropitious time for the consummation of such social relations. It would be quite embarrassing for a sensitive maiden who normally does not even appear in society under certain circumstances to enter matrimony at this particular period. (Ohhhh period…. Why didn’t you just say it?)
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Hence she should select a day about midway between the times of her periodical sickness and allow 12 days to intervene between her entire recovery from her sickness and the day of her wedding. (Why, you ask??) This would bring her safely into Nature’s period of sterility that she need not suffer the embarrassment consequent to early pregnancy. This is usually followed by a few days of premature birth which in a gossiping and uncharitable community might reflect unjustly on her character. (Elvira, we must count the days again. The wedding was on June 21. Do you count the 21st or the 22nd as the first opportunity for you-know-what? Elvira? Oh stop fainting and count)
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The Wedding Planner
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Too many brides are concerned with how the wedding will be considered by others and are forgetful of the drain that is being made on their own nervous resources. It is advisable to consult with the bridegroom regarding the particular arrangements. For obvious reasons; his judgment is better than hers (How ‘bout we have it at Inky’s Sports Bar. We’ll get a couple a barrels of Bud, throw in some wings and some curly fries with that cheesey sauce. Besides, them waitresses are HOT!) While she is liable to think of others he thinks only of her. ( Besides, the Bucks are playin’ and Inky’s got them giant TV screens) Men, as a rule, are simpler in their tastes than women. (I don’t have to wear no tie to this shindig, do I)

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Whether the ceremony is held in the church or the bride’s home, the conditions are about the same. There will necessarily be considerable excitement of the nervous constitution of the bride. The thought of the great change, the severance of tender ties, and the venture into new and untried conditions – these alone are sufficient to excite her nerves to a high pitch.

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You go back out there and get those self sticking stamps right this instant.

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Not all guests will be thoughtful of the nerves of the bride. The novelty of being the central figure in the day’s events, the vigilance necessary to preclude annoying blunders, etc. (is that ETcetera or Excetera?) will add to the drain on her vital powers. It must not be forgotten that nervous exaltation, however delightful is exhausting. It will inevitably followed by a season of depression as great and prolonged as was the antecedent excitement. It is therefore important that the wedding and reception be as simple and brief as social ettiquet will allow. The change from maidenhood to wifehood (You’re going to do WHAT? With WHAT???) is of sufficient magnitude to demand, for it’s safe and happy accomplishment, (OH NO YOU”RE NOT) the most favorable conditions attainable (Don’t you take one more step Stanley or I shall scream). Not a few women there are whose failing health dates from marriage. Many of these women do not know yet, precisely that it was not the marriage which laid the foundation for a shattered system, but the unnecessary and imprudent conduct of the festivities. (This is where the phrase “I have a headache” comes in handy)
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(We are going to ask Dr. West to stop right here and return later for part II of this very important discussion. He natters on in his book for another 23 pages on the subject of the wedding preparations, ceremony and reception! It’s important that you hear every single word, and I am quite sure that he has put you in a high state of excitement already. You probably feel the need to lie down and apply a cold compress for the rest of the day. )