Tuesday, March 31, 2009

Dr. West Assesses Stevie Wren's Menopausal Murkiness

Stevie's Brain
Lavinia Ladyslipper has heroically left her Birdbath's unattended so that she could drag Stevie Wren, aka Stevie the Wren, kicking and screaming into the offices of Dr. West for an assessment of the damage caused to her brain cells by a case of moribund menopause. Stevie, being somewhat delusional, feels that her pre-meno brain was very much as illustrated in the above diagram. Right.
Stevie's Brain on No Drugs Whatsoever
And Stevie feels her current state is best illustrated by the breakfast of perfectly made scrambled eggs she has stolen from Lavinia.(Did you at least remember to take some oregano along with you?)
Dr. West first took note of Stevie's attire, and recommended that she loosen the laces on her yellow Hi-Top tennis shoes. He also suggested that she stop wearing babushka's. In public. He noted that today's choice, mauve with likenesses of all the Fist Ladies is tied so tightly under Stevie's chin that her eyes are looking glassy.

The floaters she has complained incessantly about will be relieved
if she will perhaps consider a hairnet in place of the babushka's which by the way are causing pain in Lavinia's eyes as well.


The cause of the problems Stevie is experiencing, according to the good Doctor, is constriction of her brain by an overflow of blood that would be better served if allowed to move loosely about in her writing/drawing/cutting/gluing/painting/egg stealing hand.

This constriction of the brain, mainly in the stem and frontal lobe are causing Stevie to feel wispy and vaporous - which is not to be confused with flatulence, although there's that too.
The fastest method, and one he highly recommends for de-constriction, is

Lavinia holding a leech

an application of leeches to the temple. Lavinia is holding a leech for demonstration purposes only. These are not recommended for human consumption.
The next suggestion is copious doses of laudanum. However, the drug cupboard is bare. Dr. West has been dispensing laudanum like soup to the likes of Debby, Betsy, Renee, Martha and Mim and has just the one pint left which he has reserved for Blicky Kitty.
The affected bodily humors, quashed by the constricted blood into a pile of rancid lipids, are the main cause of Stevie's emotional difficulties. These would be best diffused by a lightening up of the overall mood. Dr. West feels that the simple change from the boring box of Spearmint Tic-Tacs that keep rattling around in Stevies voluminous Chinese Red Imitation Coach Bag to one of these

Tweety Bird Pez dispensers may release the humors and bring Stevie back to a state of mind that she (and we) are willing to live with.


soulbrush said...

this is too much, i can't stop giggling. my hubby came upstairs to see what i was chortling about! menopausal murkiness... my, my, most moribund!

Debby said...


Dr. West is resserecting his practice to inflict torment upon yet another generation of women.

Well, by golly, once a girl has tasted freedom, she will not be stifled again.

Stevie: You distract him with the plate of your scrambled eggs. Lavinia: begin flinging heaping amounts of oregano in his eyes. Blicky? While he's blinded, leap on to him with claws out. Stevie, ready your babushka and tie his hands securely. BETSY! RENEE! MARTHA! MIM! Shake off the effects of your laudenaum and help me stuff him into Stevie's voluminous Chinese Red Imitation Coach bag. He can see how he likes living, confined and constricted, in darkness, apart from the joy and frivolity of life. He can subsist on spearment tic tacs for a few days while he thinks things over.

The rest of you! Come along. We've got to gather Stevie up and take her purse shopping!

*group wanders off chattering*

"There, Stevie, don't you feel better already?"

Martha said...

Leeches have many purposes, thank you Muse!

Sparky ♥ ∞ said...

And Sparky here to save the World .. uh, day. I'm with Debby up there (good retort there gal). After 'securing' Dr. West in a bag, let's take Stevie purse AND shoe shopping, and along the way get her some Premarin. Works wonders every time. :o))) [lol]

Cynthia said...

What a lark! no I mean wren...or was it a leech? Something has happened to my brain...Dr. West is coming...RUN!

Sea Angels said...

Ahhhh I have escaped ALL of this.....you see!!!
I have only two brain cells...one sleeps, one
works, sometimes I may get change over problems...maybe I could then use the leeches to chivvy them along.....maybe I am just Post ...everything...now where did I put my Soya.......brain what brain???
Thankyou for your FAB comment, for that I can smile all day and tommorow, even if I look mad...
Lynn xxxxxx

Lavinia said...

EVERYBODY: THE REAL STORY IS OVER AT THE BIRDBATH! DON'T be fooled by 'seasoned' cons Musey and Dr. West. I beg of you!!!


MuseSwings said...

The doctor is in hiding due to threats on his life and well being. He's thinking of becoming a mobile dentist - he'll pull right in your driveway.

steviewren said...

# 1 Why does your freakin Live Traffic Feed thingy on the sidebar always identify me as being from Leeds or Cordova...I don't live either place....big sigh.....okay that emotional outburst is over and I feel better...

# 2 How did my simple cautionary tale get hijacked so fast...how did I get hijacked when I was just trying to sound the warning....Life in ya 50s ain't what it was in ya 20s.

# 3 Dr. West better not try and administer any drug like substances to me....I may be in need of help, but Dr. West's Snake Oil and All Purpose Curative is not what I had in mind....I heard that stuff puts hair on your chest...I don't need anymore stray hairs. Tell him to send it to Debby. She says she'll take all the hair she can get!

# 4 Where can I get one of those stylish hairnets?

# 5 Want a pez?

Poetikat said...

Eww! Leeches! I find it hard to believe that Lavinia would hold one of those in her hand. Pez dispenser, yes, but leech? I don't think so!

Tell Stevie to forget about Doc West (that Quack!) and come to me. I am the expert on menopausal mania, er madness, er malaise.


MuseSwings said...

Stevie - hijacked? At least we didn't borrow your credit card. At least I didn't. Can't vouch for the envelope Lavvy deposited in her Lime Green Almost-a-Coach bag. I think they make chocolate Pez now. If they don't, they should. The Five & Dime is the only place you can find those charming hairnets. Maybe Woolworth's.

I think the city of origin has to do with where you get your signal from. Luckily I have a giant tower smack dab in the middle of Palm Harbor. Eagles nest on it and I get good service even though it's a dispicable blight on the landscape.

MuseSwings said...

I'll send her right over, Kat. Sounds like she's a bit edgy right now.

Lavinia said...

Steviewren give it up! You most certainly ARE in Cordova or a place just like that....the Birdbath has ALL the latest details on exactly what Steviewren has been up to....and she ain't alone...nudge nudge wink wink....

steviewren said...

Honestly, I agree that my malaise is hormonal but it has more to do with the absence of hormones...thyroid hormones rather than the menopausal stuff...gosh I'm so freakin old I should be past that stuff now...although I do have a bump breaking out on my chin....gimme some of that Dr. West's World Famous Elixir of Health for Those of the Gentler Feminine Persuasion, Useful in the Inducement of Restorative Rejuvenation of Glandular Activity.

Betsy said...

Hee-hee! with any luck old Dr. West will suffocate in that fake designer bag! Stevie...see how we all love you so much....we'd do anything to rescue you! Leeches? Please!

nanatrish said...

I think a Coach bag (real or pretend) would make anybody feel better. Hairnets...a wonderful fashion statement.

MuseSwings said...

One snake oil comin' up for Stevie!

MuseSwings said...

Hey, Trish! Good to see you! Would you please take this bottle of elixer over to Stevie?

Bibi said...

Great post! Laughed my head off.

Please check my blog today--I am so proud--Bibi made the headlines.

Mim said...

Just love that delicious laudanum! Gonna go down to the local store and get me some more....

Blicky Kitty said...

One pint? I am aghast!! That's only enough to get me through my morning.

I don't want to have to use absinthe instead, it leads to unpredictable utterances which can prove bedeviling in polite society. I must hasten over to Dr. West's.

Musie, do send your help over if you want them to learn a few cleaning tips.

Pat @ Mille Fiori Favoriti said...

LOL You girls have so much fun!

I have a dose of L'Elisir D' Amore for Stevie Wren today.....snake oil salesmen get around!

Lyn said...

But absinthe makes the heart grow fonder! Pardon my lisp.
I imbibe only if I like to say the word...much is cured in the dream state..Mimosa..Kir Royale..Moet Chandon..sounds good! Cheers!!

Marie Reed said...

I was attacked by three leeches while swimming last summer! I was shocked! Happy Pff!