Things That Have Exploded On Me

Nuked Egg Explosion

I've been involved in a couple of major explosions during my otherwise uneventful life, and lacking anything of an intelligent nature to discuss today, I thought I would share these two near death (at least to my pride) experiences.

Explosion Numero Uno: The first occasion of an exploding object was the nuclear egg incident that occurred shortly after I was put in the same room with a microwave oven for the very first time. Back when this happened, these were new fangled machines that were treated with a high amount of suspicion. Very few people actually owned one - certainly not I. I always liked new things to hang out on the market for a while. See if they were deemed dangerous, health hazards or just another bunch of expensive smoke and mirrors. Besides, the first microwaves were about the same size as a refrigerator and only had two speeds; On and Off. I decided to wait until they added a 3rd speed; popcorn.

This microwave was in the break room at my office. Until this day I had only walked wide circles around it and watched in awe as people put things in it and took them out, tested them with a finger and said Ouch!

This particular day I had a hard boiled egg in the office fridge. It had not been stolen by lunch time so I thought if I just heat this up for a few seconds I will not freeze to death from the inside out. I had heard it's not a good idea to hard boil an egg in a microwave, but this one was already cooked. I removed the shell, set it on a plate, set the timer to 15 seconds and let her rip. I then removed the egg from the oven and proceeded to walk to a table a few steps from the microwave. All of a sudden I get the eerie feeling that something is going on with this egg. It seemes to be rumbling inside and expanding on the outside and sort of bouncing on the plate. Nanoseconds later, before I had time to process any of this shape shifting egg information there was a loud bang. LOUD! BAM! Ear shattering. Sonic. Like someone had just shot a gun off right next to my ear. As soon as I regained my senses, I looked down on the plate, and the egg was g-o-n-e-gone. Magic! I looked about me and saw pieces of egg EVERYWHERE; attached to the ceiling, lights, chairs, tables, wall, my hair, my face, clothing, shoes.. You get the picture. I did what any good break room mess maker would do - I slipped out the side door and went to Taco Bell. Needless to say, I don't even keep eggs in the same room as the microwave. I store them at my neighbor's house.

Sitting Duck Target at oh-800

Explosion Numero Dos: The next incident occurred while I was minding my own business, sitting out on my deck in Michigan, enjoying a beautiful Indian Summer Day. I looked up to see a skein of Canadian Geese flying across the sky towards me. Beautiful birds flying in a perfect V right over head. What a treat!

Just as goose #4 flew over the roof of my house, I noticed he had a little bombardier door that was opening on his nether areas. I was transfixed, mouth open, as a green golf ball emerged, fell gracefully and then hit the very edge of the eves trough just over my head. I closed my mouth and eyes as the green golf ball made contact with an interesting hollow bonking noise and broke into 80 kabillion pieces. It showered my entire being with minuscule smatterings of goose poop. Green flickity flack don't want to know what he's been eating goose droppings. All over my well maintained, impeccably groomed self. What treat. The Mister happened to be watching, from a safe spot at the kitchen table. He assisted with the cleanup of my person - but certainly not my ego.

What!?!?