Sunday, November 30, 2008

Things That Have Exploded On Me

Nuked Egg Explosion

I've been involved in a couple of major explosions during my otherwise uneventful life, and lacking anything of an intelligent nature to discuss today, I thought I would share these two near death (at least to my pride) experiences.

Explosion Numero Uno: The first occasion of an exploding object was the nuclear egg incident that occurred shortly after I was put in the same room with a microwave oven for the very first time. Back when this happened, these were new fangled machines that were treated with a high amount of suspicion. Very few people actually owned one - certainly not I. I always liked new things to hang out on the market for a while. See if they were deemed dangerous, health hazards or just another bunch of expensive smoke and mirrors. Besides, the first microwaves were about the same size as a refrigerator and only had two speeds; On and Off. I decided to wait until they added a 3rd speed; popcorn.

This microwave was in the break room at my office. Until this day I had only walked wide circles around it and watched in awe as people put things in it and took them out, tested them with a finger and said Ouch!

This particular day I had a hard boiled egg in the office fridge. It had not been stolen by lunch time so I thought if I just heat this up for a few seconds I will not freeze to death from the inside out. I had heard it's not a good idea to hard boil an egg in a microwave, but this one was already cooked. I removed the shell, set it on a plate, set the timer to 15 seconds and let her rip. I then removed the egg from the oven and proceeded to walk to a table a few steps from the microwave. All of a sudden I get the eerie feeling that something is going on with this egg. It seemes to be rumbling inside and expanding on the outside and sort of bouncing on the plate. Nanoseconds later, before I had time to process any of this shape shifting egg information there was a loud bang. LOUD! BAM! Ear shattering. Sonic. Like someone had just shot a gun off right next to my ear. As soon as I regained my senses, I looked down on the plate, and the egg was g-o-n-e-gone. Magic! I looked about me and saw pieces of egg EVERYWHERE; attached to the ceiling, lights, chairs, tables, wall, my hair, my face, clothing, shoes.. You get the picture. I did what any good break room mess maker would do - I slipped out the side door and went to Taco Bell. Needless to say, I don't even keep eggs in the same room as the microwave. I store them at my neighbor's house.
Sitting Duck Target at oh-800


Explosion Numero Dos: The next incident occurred while I was minding my own business, sitting out on my deck in Michigan, enjoying a beautiful Indian Summer Day. I looked up to see a skein of Canadian Geese flying across the sky towards me. Beautiful birds flying in a perfect V right over head. What a treat!

Just as goose #4 flew over the roof of my house, I noticed he had a little bombardier door that was opening on his nether areas. I was transfixed, mouth open, as a green golf ball emerged, fell gracefully and then hit the very edge of the eves trough just over my head. I closed my mouth and eyes as the green golf ball made contact with an interesting hollow bonking noise and broke into 80 kabillion pieces. It showered my entire being with minuscule smatterings of goose poop. Green flickity flack don't want to know what he's been eating goose droppings. All over my well maintained, impeccably groomed self. What treat. The Mister happened to be watching, from a safe spot at the kitchen table. He assisted with the cleanup of my person - but certainly not my ego.

What!?!?

18 comments:

Shellmo said...

You're a natural bird attractant!

Devoted said...

LOL! I was a weapons handler in the Navy and I can tell you that we never heard explosion stories of this magnitude or this entertaining! I will be laughing for days!!! Thanks for the Sunday chuckle...ok, gwaf,shooting coffee through my nose, rolling on the floor laughing hysterically!

MuseSwings said...

Shelly - I have mourning doves that visit daily - this morning I saw one of them and thought to myself - Oh, Bob's kind of early today. Bob. Got that from your Bob the dove.

Hanging with me can be pretty dangerous, Devoted - very brave of you to stop by -glad I made your Sunday start with a laugh!

Debby said...

I once went on a weekend retreat at a monastary outside Washington, DC. I was walking alone, pondering spiritual things when I caught a glimpse of a pond. I struck out through the tall grass, thinking to sit by the pond and ponder spiritual things. I was attacked by a large goose, who chased me through the jingweeds. I forgot my vows of silence as I ran, screaming.

So: If a woman screams, and only a goose hears, has she actually broken her vows of silence?

Hello Mary Lou said...

It is suppose be good luck if a bird poops on you.

MuseSwings said...

Debby - your story is a hoot - the long version may be a good subject for an upcoming blog. The answer to your question: No, you certainly did not. Geese are not a good judge of character so therefore you remain faultless.

Mary Lou - It didn't seem like good luck at the time except for the fact that I had my eyes and my mouth closed.

Blicky Kitty said...

I didn't realize you lived life on the edge like that. You are truly lucky to have survived...

MuseSwings said...

You'll do well to stand a reasonable distance from The Muse as well as from Chicken little.

Debby said...

Muse - another thought. You've never had a small baby explode on you? There's no warning. Suddenly you are covered in baby green flickety flack and you know exactly what he's been eating.

No. Never happened to me either. And it didn't happen to me with all three of them.

Dave King said...

I think I preferred Numero Dos - just. An unusual and really amusing post, though. Thoroughly enjoyed reading it.

Bibi said...

I think you should avoid eggs and birds. At least you were not like the lady who tried to dry her miniature poodle in a microwave...or perhaps that's an urban legend.

soulbrush said...

ROFLOL, i can't stop giggling. that first picture, i thought your innards had exploded.you could write a 'blog' book, just put your posts in a book>>>you are such a fantastic writer.

Mim said...

Oh my god..the egg-plosion is TOO funny!

MuseSwings said...

Debby -noooo never with either of my two. Not from either end or both ends at the same time. Nope - didn't happen.

Thanks, Dave King!
Bibi - sound advice!
Soul - As I was falling asleep last night I realized my drawing looks like something out of Grey's Anatomy LOL!

It was quite a mess, Mim - as was I.

Sparky ♥ ∞ said...

I thought maybe you'd had a colon exam there on the first drawing ... [roflol] My step mother was afraid of microwaves until the day she died.

Both stories are a HOOT! You are such a good writer.

I've had geese get nasty with me too. There ain't nothin' slippier than goose ... uh, leavings. Anyone with a pond in the country knows that. Ewwwww! ♥ ∞

Nanny Goats In Panties said...

Gawd, I'm dying over here!!!!!!
BWA HAHAHAHAAA!!!!!

I don't know which is funnier, the bombadier doors opening, or this:

"I did what any good break room mess maker would do - I slipped out the side door and went to Taco Bell."

Stanley said...

The egg incident is hilarious! I gotta try that xP HAhahaah......you just made my day. That was FUNNY!

Muse Swings said...

Nan - you only encourage me further...Thanks!

Stanley! Good of you to stop by - People have been seriously injured doing this same thing, esp those who leave the shell on the egg - so if you do, wear hardhat and safety glasses and plenty of cleaning materials on standby!