Thursday, December 4, 2008

Dr. West's Holiday Health Tips

The Buck Stops Here
Despite all of the healthful advice Dr. West has shared with you over the past months, I noticed blog traffic was a bit light the day after Thanksgiving aka Black Friday. I suspect many of you opted to belly up to your local Dollar Store in the wee hours of Friday morning to get a jump on the holiday shopping.
The good Doctor West doesn't specifically speak to holidays in his enlightening book, "Maidenhood And Motherhood" (1886). However, I can surmise what his thoughts would be on the subject based on his list of 3,657, 832 things that can cause the vapours. And from that I might be so bold as to suggest that the holiday season is fraught with endless opportunities to become debilitated with nervous exhaustion. The first opportunity was rolling out of the sack before noon on Black Friday. Yet there you were, at 6:42 am, fighting with Grousella Verboten over the Sea Shore Scents Collection. You, my dear, are on your way to self-destruction. The rest of us are right on your heels.
Doctor West’s suggestion to eat fatty food, and lots of it, to stave off nervous conditions, should not be taken lightly. With this thought in mind, I received an e-mail from someone who is near and dear to me. This very timely piece talks about holiday eating and appears to fit exactly with Dr. West’s recommendations.
As with most of these e-mails, that circulate cyberspace faster than a good rumor, there is no author mentioned.
(I added a little information to the last tip because I happen to be one of the 9 people in the world who actually like fruitcake – as long as it’s been soaked liberally- either purposely or accidentally- in an alcoholic beverage. Otherwise there would be no reason to eat it, would there?)
  • Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.

  • Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!

Gimme Two, Please, They're Small

  • If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.

  • As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

  • Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?

  • Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.

  • If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.

  • Same for pies - Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?

    I'll Only Eat It If It Bursts Into Flames

  • Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards. Unless it’s soaked in brandy. You might want to reconsider, in that case. To test for brandy, spear a piece of fruitcake on your fork and hold it over the big red candle in the centerpiece. If the fruitcake bursts into flame it’s got plenty of brandy in it. Go ahead and eat it.

For Best Results Dose Liberally

Stay tuned for further instructions - including proper laudanum dosages - for a frazzle free holiday!


Devoted said...

LOL!!! Now I know how Grampy used to make Granny's fruitcake catch on fire! As for gravy...I am the queen!... everything becomes edible once smothered in huge quantities of gravy! I have found this to be fact with all my recent cooking experiments. I, for one, am taking this advice to heart... good thing there will be tons of after the holidays sales...looks like I'll need a new wardrobe. :-D

Debby said...

Oh, perfect! Holiday advice that I actually can follow...

Bibi said...

I had lots of leftovers from Thanksgiving and ate like a little porker for several days afterwards, never tiring of the same meal. I am ready to repeat this procedure during the holidays. Here we celebrate the 25th and also Serbian Orthodox Christmas, requiring lots of food. Not to forget New Year's...and Serbian New Year again on the 13/14th. Oink.

Mim said...

For once I am going to follow Dr. West's advice and just GO FOR IT! Eat like a little house and pay the price later. Hurray for rum soaked fruit cake!!!!

(my word verification is "grablati" Yes...I will grab a lot of food this year)

Shellmo said...

I'll be the one standing liking a pitbull by the Christms Cookies!

MuseSwings said...

Youse guys are a riot!
Devoted says - eat! Just buy new clothes
Debbie - will eat!
Bibi - a fellow turkaholic is ready to roll, literally and admits, as I did not-to lovin those leftovers (5 days in a row for me, Bibi - how bout you?)
Mim has just become a dedicated Grablati
Shellmo's goin for the cookies!
Stand back, party people - here we come!

Dave King said...

Now you've got me in two minds - or more...

Sweet Repose said...

Why do I feel a burp coming on...and this year, it's going to be the eggnog for more of this Ms.'s only once a year, right...but I'll send ya the fruitcake and save the rumballs for me...great post!


MuseSwings said...

Sweet - you're in for the food frenzy! Test the flamability of that cake first, please. If it's fireproof, send it to Shelly for Bob the Mourning Dove. He invited a party of 20 to spend the winter months at her birdfeeder.

lmerie said...

I surfed over from SITS, since you were the one ahead of me, and boy am I glad you were! I have been reading away - you are a hoot! Lovin your blog!

MuseSwings said...

Imerie! Thank you for stopping by! I'll be by your place in a minute.

willow said...

I think I like you.

And I've got the BEST eggnog recipe in the world, BTW. I'll post it soon so you can buy the ingredients. It's heavenly and potent. ;^)

Nana Trish is Living the Dream said...

Ms. Swings, You are hilarious. I love fruitcake too. But the Christmas of 2008 will not see me partaking of such a temptation. I have truly exceeded my weight limit and I am psyched up for skinny. Christmas is a time for eating and having fun, but I must choose healthy stuff.

Sparky ♥ ∞ said...

Excellent advice! Gravy and adult beverages cover all sins (food-wise). Egg nog, especially spiked, is the nectar of the god's and should be used liberally. I can tolerate almost any bizarre family member visit with egg nog under my belt. :o) ♥ ∞

Anonymous said...

I recently came across your blog and have been reading along. I thought I would leave my first comment. I don't know what to say except that I have enjoyed reading. Nice blog. I will keep visiting this blog very often.


MuseSwings said...

Willow - looking forward to your eggnog post! I will keep my sippy cup handy for the taste testing.

Nana! I admire your staying power and I will eat a little extra just for you.

Wisely said, Sparky! I shall need to lift a few extra cups this year myself.

Susan! Thank you so much for stopping by! I'm glad you are enjoying my blog - I certainly enjoy doing this...whatever it is!

steviewren said...

Tell Dr West that I plan to have a tall eggnog as soon as Willow posts her recipe. Mmmmmm. That should get me in the holiday spirit!

Poetikat said...

I like my eggnog in my coffee. It's my breakfast pick-me-up after the night before!


MuseSwings said...

Stevei - I' sitting on Willow's front step waiting for that recipe.

Poetikat - yummy! I'll have to try that.

Janeen said...

Oh my - that was ooooo funny! I need that laugh too, it's been quite a week for me. Your blog is just what the doctor ordered! LOTS OF LAUGHING! I especially liked the part about not eating before going to a party! ha ha I'll never look at invitations the same again! What a hoot!

Anonymous said...

Love it!!!!