Dr. West's Holiday Health Tips

The Buck Stops Here

Despite all of the healthful advice Dr. West has shared with you over the past months, I noticed blog traffic was a bit light the day after Thanksgiving aka Black Friday. I suspect many of you opted to belly up to your local Dollar Store in the wee hours of Friday morning to get a jump on the holiday shopping.
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The good Doctor West doesn't specifically speak to holidays in his enlightening book, "Maidenhood And Motherhood" (1886). However, I can surmise what his thoughts would be on the subject based on his list of 3,657, 832 things that can cause the vapours. And from that I might be so bold as to suggest that the holiday season is fraught with endless opportunities to become debilitated with nervous exhaustion. The first opportunity was rolling out of the sack before noon on Black Friday. Yet there you were, at 6:42 am, fighting with Grousella Verboten over the Sea Shore Scents Collection. You, my dear, are on your way to self-destruction. The rest of us are right on your heels.
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Doctor West’s suggestion to eat fatty food, and lots of it, to stave off nervous conditions, should not be taken lightly. With this thought in mind, I received an e-mail from someone who is near and dear to me. This very timely piece talks about holiday eating and appears to fit exactly with Dr. West’s recommendations.
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As with most of these e-mails, that circulate cyberspace faster than a good rumor, there is no author mentioned.
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(I added a little information to the last tip because I happen to be one of the 9 people in the world who actually like fruitcake – as long as it’s been soaked liberally- either purposely or accidentally- in an alcoholic beverage. Otherwise there would be no reason to eat it, would there?)

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HOLIDAY EATING TIPS

• Avoid carrot sticks. Anyone who puts carrots on a holiday buffet table knows nothing of the Christmas spirit. In fact, if you see carrots, leave immediately. Go next door, where they're serving rum balls.
  
  
• Drink as much eggnog as you can. And quickly. It's rare. You cannot find it any other time of year but now. So drink up! Who cares that it has 10,000 calories in every sip? It's not as if you're going to turn into an eggnog-alcoholic or something. It's a treat. Enjoy it. Have one for me. Have two. It's later than you think. It's Christmas!
  
  

Gimme Two, Please, They're Small

• If something comes with gravy, use it. That's the whole point of gravy. Gravy does not stand alone. Pour it on. Make a volcano out of your mashed potatoes. Fill it with gravy. Eat the volcano. Repeat.
  
  
  
• As for mashed potatoes, always ask if they're made with skim milk or whole milk. If it's skim, pass. Why bother? It's like buying a sports car with an automatic transmission.

• Do not have a snack before going to a party in an effort to control your eating. The whole point of going to a Christmas party is to eat other people's food for free. Lots of it. Hello?
  
  
• Under no circumstances should you exercise between now and New Year's. You can do that in January when you have nothing else to do. This is the time for long naps, which you'll need after circling the buffet table while carrying a 10-pound plate of food and that vat of eggnog.
  
  
• If you come across something really good at a buffet table, like frosted Christmas cookies in the shape and size of Santa, position yourself near them and don't budge. Have as many as you can before becoming the center of attention. They're like a beautiful pair of shoes. If you leave them behind, you're never going to see them again.
  
  
• Same for pies - Apple, Pumpkin, Mincemeat. Have a slice of each. Or if you don't like mincemeat, have two apples and one pumpkin. Always have three. When else do you get to have more than one dessert? Labor Day?
  
  I'll Only Eat It If It Bursts Into Flames
  
  
• Did someone mention fruitcake? Granted, it's loaded with the mandatory celebratory calories, but avoid it at all cost. I mean, have some standards. Unless it’s soaked in brandy. You might want to reconsider, in that case. To test for brandy, spear a piece of fruitcake on your fork and hold it over the big red candle in the centerpiece. If the fruitcake bursts into flame it’s got plenty of brandy in it. Go ahead and eat it.
  
  
  

For Best Results Dose Liberally

Stay tuned for further instructions - including proper laudanum dosages - for a frazzle free holiday!