Friday, December 26, 2008

Make-up Magic and Palmetto Bugs*

A Two Car Garage

*I thought I'd re-post my 6/6/08 entry so that I can spend some quality time sitting under the Christmas tree eating cookies in my jammies. You probably haven't read this one anyway, because I only had about one reader back in June. Me.
While enjoying my pedicure the other day I was reading an article about make-up application. Something about how to be as beautiful as your favorite movie star or something. Yeah, that'll be the day.
The eye catcher was the part about how you should spend at least 20 minutes applying your make-up to ensure perfection. 20 minutes. I don't know about you, but I for one could and would not spend 20 minutes doing my face unless I were in prison. That's the only place I can think of that I might have that kind of time (while doing time).
Come to think of it, that wouldn't work either. I think most prisoners only get to use make-up if they are doing an interview for 20/20 Mystery. They borrow an ill fitting sweater from the Head Matron and slap on a little borrowed lipstick so they can talk about how they are completely innocent of all charges and that must have been someone else's fingerprints on the machete.
I timed myself this morning. It took me a little under 4 minutes to do everything from toner and that all important moisturizer to blush and eyeshadow. I'm probably a bit more slapdash than my "favorite movie star", whoever that might be. At my age I'm looking
The Muse should follow my make-up techniques - after all, there is nothing like a Dame!
at maybe Dame Judi Dench for pointers. The important rules that I personally follow are "make sure your _______ doesn't/don't look like __________'s." My list goes something like this:
Make sure your:
eyelids don't look like garage doors slamming shut when you blink
eyebrows don't look like Uncle Louie's (that's the Seinfeld episode where his eyebrows got singed off and Elaine drew them back on with a black magic marker) or like Joan Crawford's when you're hanging your clothes on wire hangers.
eyeliner doesn't look like Liz Taylor's during her Cleopatra years, or like Cher's any time
Eyelashes don't look like Lucille Ball's.
Lipstick doesn't look like Lucille Ball's or Joan Crawford's (coloring within the lines applies here).
Blush doesn't look like Bozo the clown.
That's about it. If I pass muster, and I remember to check the back of my hair, I'm good to go.
Next topic:
Several of my Northern acquaintances have asked about Florida Wildlife. Specifically bugs. They call and say: I hear there are a lot of bugs in Florida. Is that true? To which I reply: To tell you the truth, I've seen far more bugs in Michigan. However, the bugs you see in Florida are quite memorable.
Palmetto bugs the size of fire trucks are a prime example of memorable. Spiders so big you can hear them walk is another. So it's not the number, it's the overall weight and length that will astonish.
2 cents worth of palmetto bugs

You probably already know this, but if you see a (normal sized) spider in the house just spray him/her with hairspray or spray starch. They are rendered incapable of moving long enough for you to call animal control or run out of your house screaming. Which ever you prefer.
The thing that brought this to mind is I walked into the bathroom last night and got that eerie feeling that I was not alone in there. Without moving anything except my eyeballs I searched about and sure enough there was a palmetto bug ( okay, okay I know they're cockroaches, but we here in Florida prefer to call them palmetto bugs) the size of the Queen Elizabeth II in the shower. I dispatched him quite handily.
What to do about them is not the point here, the point is they are big enough that you know you are not alone in the room. How spooky is that? Very. I've creeped myself out here. Think I'll go sit by the pool for a while. Thanks for stopping by!!


lmerie said...

LOL- I am with you on 20 minutes to do my face- I think not!

Cute post, glad you reposted!

Anonymous said...

Great post. It only takes me about 10min. if that. Yikes on those bugs!

Shellmo said...

My face is done in 5 minutes flat - I'm a minimalist. That palmetto bug will now give me nightmares for the next week!

Martha said...

Gosh, my palmetto bugs were almost like pets. Thanks for the make up tips, I can do a shower, hair, and makeup in twenty minutes, I have priorites!

Joanne said...

Eyes...hmmm...takes me about 2-5 minutes. Maybe 10 minutes at the most if I'm dressing up. I LOVE makeup. Faye Dunaway did have some creepy Joan Crawford eyebrows in Mommie Dearest. And thanks for reminding me of the wire hanger scene. I can't have wire hangers in my house because of that movie.

Ewwwww. I do not miss those Palmetto bugs. I swear those things have a target sensor for your head. Ewwwww!

Anonymous said...

20 minutes! I don't even spend that long showering!

Lol about 'I had a feeling I wasn't alone'!

Sparky ♥ ∞ and Wiregrass Steve said...

I'm supposed to check the *back* of my hair too??! Cripes! That explains why I get so many people staring and laughing ... probably looks a plowed field back there.

As you know, I am grew up in Central Florida. More than one time we've had some brown icky looking spider in our bathtub that is bigger than a dinner plate!! How do you spell, "AAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHH...." (running, screaming from said room). [lol]

Sparky ♥ ∞

Janeen said...

20 minutes, I can believe it. I have to wait that long for the moisturizer to dry set before I put on my powder foundation. ha ha

Seriously though, I need lessons in applying eye shadow. I can do amazing hair, lips, cheeks and liquid eyeliner but not eye shadow.
Maybe that will be my New Years Resolution for 2009!

JANE said...

Born in Fl, know those Palmetto bugs well!! And yes they are Palmetto bugs, not cockroaches unless you're from some other cockroach country!
I'm still trying to figure out how much time I spend on make-up, I'll time myself tomorrow!

Blicky Kitty said...

20 minutes? I can't remember the last time I spent 20 minutes on any one activity, which explains my attention deficit disorder and Clampet-style living quarters.

Palmetto bugs are ewww, but I can't bring myself to kill spiders. I pop a glass over them and a piece of cardboard underneath and set them free. Of course they probably then freeze to death outside. It's really an ethical conundrum for me...

tara @ kidz said...

Holy crap this post made me laugh so hard! I was a 20-minuter when I was single. Now, though, I'm a 5-or under with you. And those bugs?!? Yikes!

human being said...

wow Muse... dear new friend... you are a great writer... how beautifully and humorously you criticized the women's most cherished passtime...
i really really enjoyed reading it...

" but I for one could and would not spend 20 minutes doing my face unless I were in prison."

"eyelids don't look like garage doors slamming shut when you blink "

i was exploded with laughter!

and your rules are really precious... most of the Iranian women are overloaded with makeups... they think the more they wear makeups the more beautiful they become... and gosh... some of them just frighten me...

i should thank you a lot for visiting my blog and your nice comments... those words really meant a lot to me... as i'm a mother too...

happy i've found you... think i'll be a frequent visitor... your blog is owesome...

Bibi said...

I take about 2 minutes MAX to put on my make-up. You can either believe I don't need much or else I just do it fast, take your pick.

And you've solved the mystery for me! I always thought that Palmetto bugs looked like I know the awful truth.

soulbrush said...

muse, you just have to write a book. better still, just put all these posts into one, they are priceless. as for that purple stuff in the first picture, yuk! i like judi dench too, she is old, plain and has short grey hair, no fuss, just who she is and i love her acting...she and helen mirren are both grand. 20 minutes, mine takes 3 minutes tops and my best friend in the world is max (factor)! happy new year to you and keep the fun coming next year!!

soulbrush said...

ummm, the word veri for that comment was 'farti'...ha ha i guess that says it all!!

steviewren said...

Just for your information, I take 30 minutes or more to complete my eye makeup...I apply eyeshadow and a coat a mascara right before walking out the door to work...then 25 or 30 minutes later I apply another couple of coats of mascara after exiting the freeway and while waiting for a couple of light changes on the last mile to work. AND THAT my dear Muse is why my makeup is considered perfection by everyone I see.

steviewren said...

Oh in AL we just call em like we see em...giant wood roaches!