So, I'm sitting here, typing away, and I get this sensation that I have a pair of reading glasses stuck in my shirt. You know what I mean. You take off your glasses, and there's so much stuff on the table next to you that there's no place to put them, so you stick one of the ear pieces over the top of your shirt and you leave them there until you need them again, and then you wander all over tar nation looking for them until you get that sensation that they are stuck in your shirt.
That would be all well and good, except I don't wear glasses. So I continue to stare at the computer screen and start fishing around in my shirt. I come up with some kinda metal object that is poking into my diaphragm. I look down (finally) and it's the under wire from my soon to be ex under wire bra. Instead of just poking it's edge out, and then sitting there quietly for the rest of the day without bothering anyone, like I do, the thing slithers out about 4 inches. Tch.
So I'm sitting there, still at my computer, trying to get it back in my bra where it belongs, instead of my clavicle, and the mister goes scritching by in his sandals, stops at the door of my office-ette and says "Is there something I can help you with in your shirt there?"
I tell him I have everything under control, he stands there for another minute or two and scritches away. Here again, this under wire escapee stabbing an unsuspecting female, is yet another thing that the human male never has to deal with.
As luck would have it, my daily Victoria Secret catalogue arrives in the mail, so I flip to the sale section (I am unemployed, after all) and start browsing. After about 5 seconds I am so depressed by the young nymphs that I set the catalogue aside. I decide that next time I venture out I'll just stop at Stein Mart or Walmart or one of the other Marts. Meanwhile, I'll just sit here and not bother anyone. But, if I suddenly stop typing and leave the room you'll know I have to attend to a serious under wire injury. All this on a day that I should be dancing around the house celebrating the Tampa Bay Ray's victory last night.
I called the dug out just after the win and got Coach Maddon on the phone. If Evan's mom can do it, I don't see why I can't.
Brrring
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Coach: Yeah?
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Muse: Congratulations on your win!
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Coach: Yep, thanks. We've been within spitting distance of going to the World Series for 3 games now, and finally made it.
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Muse: Your team played an awesome season! It's just amazing after last season when you were in the baseball cellar fall of fame all year.
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Coach: Well I wouldn't go spitting hares now...
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Muse: That's spitting hairs. I mean splitting.
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Coach: (spit) Look I gotta go dump champagne on the guys in a spit second . Ya got any other questions?
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Muse: No, I'm good. I tried resolving the spitting image of the team a few posts ago but we'll just leave that one out there for now. Sorry about those last 2 games. It was rough losing to the Red Sox when you were so close.
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Coach: There's no use crying over spit milk. The team got 'em this time.
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Muse: Sure did! Tell them all I said thank you and congratulations!
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23 comments:
I do hate bras (or as my mother still say: brah zeers!) The underwire ones are the worst. Sure, they plump you up, but sometimes they leave that lovely red welt under your girls and who wants that?
I have this neat trick that I'm compelled to share with you. Whenever I'm watching t.v. and the old brassiere starts to dig in, I do a magic act - very discreet, but it gets the job done.
First, reach under the back of your shirt and undo the bra-clasp. Second, take your right hand and slide it up your left sleeve, grabbing onto the left bra-strap. Ease the strap down your arm and over your hand and then let go. Repeat on the opposite side, but DON'T let go! Now for the fun part - draw the strap out of the end of your sleeve, pulling the entire bra along with it and out the bottom like a magician's scarf. Voila! No more bra to deal with and noone even needs to know you took it off!
Thank me later,
Kat
Oh yes, this story sounds (feels?) familiar! And you can't have one wire in and one wire out! ha-ha!....well, you could, but it would look a little lopsided! My favorite part was your hubby...so interested and willing to help! ;)
As for the bra trick from Kat,...anyone who has ever watched Flashdance knows that one!
Yes Kat and Betsy - I watched Flash Dance and my entire life changed as far a bra removal. I was afraid I'd kill myself if I didn't get the underwire thingie fixed first. Thank you for the instructions, Kat, it's always good to review procedures!
I have never seen Flashdance!
Kat
Kat - you must have learned that all by yourself! I am impressed!
I was hard at work one day. I noticed something scratching my chin, but I was hauling a full sprayer on my back and my hands were busy spraying. I got back to my truck, unloaded, and went to brush under my chin and discovered my underwire had almost entirely disengaged, shot up the front of my shirt, and was brushing my chin. I'm darn lucky it didn't slash my carotid artery, leaving me to bleed out with a running engine on my back in the middle of nowhere.
Death by bra. It had never entered my mind, but completely possible.
Bras: their motivation is not always to lift, and separate.
A cautionary tale.
oh yes i remember 100 years ago when i wore an underwired bra..now i just tie them into my panties...no not my bra!
Wow, you got the coach in the nick of time, didn't you. You were really just "under the wire" on that call, weren't you. I'm funny, aren't I. I had better close this comment now, hadn't I.
Ooooh I had that happen to me at work, completely poked me! I had to take scissors to the other side because I was so lopsided - Oh Vey! ha ha Funny memory though, thanks for the laughs!
It is my one wish in the whole universe that all men should have to wear bras too, there are alot of men out there that need them. But to just experience the joy, the pinching, the sweating, the itching, the gouging, especially when the temps and humidity are well over 100. And the bigger you are, the bigger and more constraining and HOT they are.
Ahh the 60's when we could let it all hang out...not any more, the rash'll kill me.
Cyn Muse--you are such a funny lady. I was up giving a presentation in a hospital several years ago and one of my underwires slipped out and was sticking straight out under my blouse right in the middle of my chest. I had to excuse myself and go in the hall and pull it out and throw it away. Of course, then I was lopsided, but you know the show must go on. I had a message to share and I finished. I think the older I get the harder it is to embarrass me. Men would never wear such painful icky things. But noooo there we go everyday putting on this torture device just to hold them up. Somedays I just feel like saying,"Hey this is me, we all get our turn at being cute and I had my turn years ago, but being the sweet Southern lady I am....I just keep hiking these big girls up.
Debby...'death by bra' ...tee-hee...I love it!
Ladies - this isn't the first time - it's happened several times to me. I was almost poked to death during a meeting once - and unlike men, we just grin and bear it rather than make an adjustment in public. I love your stories! It's fun to share the unmentionables once in a while! Kind of a support support group, as it were.
Here's an idea if you need to repair your broken underwire bra. (This would be necessary if you are too freaking poor to buy a new one when you need it).....use heavy duty surgical type tape to cover the hole which the wire has cut in the bra. Duct tape would probably work too and they make it in hot pink now so the patch would even be pretty. Of course, you'll have to replace the tape every day because those darn wires never stop trying to free themselves once they find the way out.
That was funny. You have a great sense of humor. I enjoyed it.
Ooooh how we all can relate! Congrats on the Rays win...A big WOO HOO! for you! :)
So funny, your blog about bras and baseball!
I like to burn Victoria Secret catologues.. they make supoer kindling!
I was at a business lunch when the underwire on one side broke and was stabbing in 2 different places in my chest - the pain was unbearable - especially as my lunch companions were long winded. Finally, I was able to go to the bathroom and had to slide the underwire out to toss it out and I was bleeding. Fond memories....
Yeah but those poor pathetic Victoria's secret chicks are just stuck in the modern day equivalent to the corset. They can't eat gingerbread and ice cream because they have to conform to what the world tells them to be! Now I'm going to march upstairs and make a batch of chocolate chip cookies and Gisele Bundchen can't have any.
Omigosh, your blog ROCKS. I'm so glad you stopped by and thanks for becoming a follower. I will strive to retain your readership by not sucking.
BTW, I, too, have gone mano-a-mano with the dang underwire pixies trying to make a break for daylight. What's up with that???
Wishing you a supermodel-free day and see you soon...
:^) Anna
Stevie - Hot pink duct tape?? Obviously I should follow the mister through the Home Depot more often - I hang in the part that has flowers and stuff.
Tea! Thank you so much for stopping by!
Margaret Ann thanks for the WOO!
You can relate even in Siberia - I mean - Serbia! Cool!
Marie - good idea - those things come in the mail practically daily - I use them for wrapping dead fish and great stuff like that.
Ouch Shelly! Other than a major bruise to my bod or ego I've at least not bled to death.
Isn't that the truth about those models - (chomp chomp) would you like some of this Halloween candy?
Anna! Thanks for stopping by! We have the Blick to thank for this blogo-a-blogo. Thanks for the wishes! So far I have only run into people who are fatter and older than I.
I did a bra post recently which was equally funny/sad! who invented these things anyway, wasn't it Howard Hughes or someone like that? I think the best part of the day is taking off my bra. It's such a welcome feeling all ....ahhhh....and Oh yes.... and ...etc etc. And since both of my girls are on a race to reach my knees - there is alot of bra to take off.!
I like the "death by bra" comments.
My biggest fear (aside from everything else in the world) is that someone will have the bright idea of trying to sneak into the airlines with something hidden in their bra. So now, instead of just having to take off your shoes...you'll have to do the flashdance thing and remove your bra. And then you'll see the TSA people laughing hysterically at your size "R" bra and you'll have to grab it as it comes out and be all embarrassed etc. And what if they confiscate it cause they can't believe that someone really wears a bra that size....this fantasy (nasty) can go on and on.
Anyway , thanks for a good laugh!
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