Friday, October 3, 2008

Everyone Can Be A Virgo Today! Take It Easy!

My horoscope says I should take it easy today and stop trying to be perfect all the time. (Little does it know) As you well know, I only pay attention to my horoscope when there's something in it for me. I highly suggest you do the same. Use the same horoscope for a week if you have to.

My friend Suzanne sent me an email today which - instead of working my brain up into a hysterical frenzy - I thought I'd share with you. How easy is that? Put your feet up and take it easy, you have my permission to be a Virgo today too.

All Puns Intended:

1. Two antennas met on a roof, fell in love and got married. The ceremony wasn't much, but the reception was excellent.


2. A jumper cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, 'I'll serve you, but don't start anything.'


3. Two peanuts walk into a bar, and one was a salted.


4. Deja Moo: The feeling that you've heard this bull before.


5. A man walks into a bar with a slab of asphalt under his arm, and says: 'A beer please, and one for the road.'


6. Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: 'Does this taste funny to you?'


7. 'Doc, I can't stop singing The Green, Green Grass of Home.''That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.' 'Is it common?' 'Well, It's Not Unusual.'

8. Two cows are standing next to each other in a field.Daisy says to Dolly, 'I was artificially inseminated this morning.'' I don't believe you,' says Dolly. It's true; no bull!' exclaims Daisy. .

9. An invisible man marries an invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

10. A dyslexic man walked into a bra.


11. I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day, but I couldn't find any.


12. A man woke up in a hospital after a serious accident.He shouted, 'Doctor, doctor, I can't feel my legs!'The doctor replied, 'I know, I amputated your arms!'


13. I went to a seafood disco last week... and pulled a mussel.

14. What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.


15. Two fish swim into a concrete wall. The one turns to the other and says, 'Dam!'


16. Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Not surprisingly it sank, proving once again that you can't have your kayak and heat it too.


17. A group of chess enthusiasts checked into a hotel, and were standing in the lobby discussing their recent tournament victories. After about an hour, the manager came out of the office, and asked them to disperse. 'But why,' they asked, as they moved off. 'Because,' he said. 'I can't stand chess-nuts boasting in an open foyer.'


18. A woman has twins, and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt, and is named 'Ahmal.' The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him 'Juan.' Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, 'They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal.'


19. Mahatma Gandhi, as you know, walked barefoot most of the time, which produced an impressive set of calluses on his feet. He also ate very little, which made him rather frail and with his odd diet, he suffered from bad breath. This made him (oh, man, this is so bad, it's good) ... a super-calloused fragile mystic hexed by halitosis.


20. A dwarf, who was a mystic, escaped from jail. The call went out that there was a small medium at large.


21. And finally, there was the person who sent twenty different puns to his friends, with the hope that at least ten of the puns would make them laugh. No pun in ten did.


Marie Reed said...

This is theeeeeee besttt! Usually when I read jokes I have already heard them. These were all so new fresh and fun! I am jumping around the house in such a happy mood now!

MuseSwings said...

Marie! I'm glad to hear that - I was afraid they were all old jokes and due to age related zombieness I had just forgotten all of them. Merci!

willow said...

These were TOO funny!!! I particularly liked the cannibal one...don't ask me why. Thanks for the Friday laughs! :D

MuseSwings said...

I liked that one too - and you are welcome for the TGIF post!

Lavinia said...

I've always wondered who it is that actually sits there and thinks up these jokes!! No one ever takes the credit. Hmmmmmm

nanatrish said...

So funny! These are so clever!

Betsy said...

Yea for Virgos! :)

Blicky Kitty said...

I loved the cannibal one too.

Here's one: How do you define a dyslexic, agnostic insomniac? Someone who stays up night wondering if there really is a dog.

I love your posts!

Lavinia said...

Cynthia! Late breaking update on my latest blog post! You must read! But first, break out the strong stuff---navy rum!!! You hands are shaking and I am seconds away from nervous collapse...

MuseSwings said...

Thanks ladies for signing up to be a Virgo today and having a chuckle. Lavinia - I just happen to have a bottle of rum from my last (real) cruise. Let's hoist a few on the lanai while you wait for that phone to ring. Aaargh Matey!

Lavinia said...

Oh Cynthia, you've the feet of a dancer and the soul of a pirate. Or is that sailor. What's the difference its all academic! Yes, dear, a wee spot of rum....purely for medicinal purposes...I'm sure that young Dr. Young won't mind....

It was fun being a Virgo (again).

A Sagittarius!

MuseSwings said...

Blicky - that's my favorite joke of all time!

Lavinia -pirate - that explains why parrots are always landing on my shoulder. Here's a twist of lime and some of those little ice cubes shaped like Mickey Mouse. Cheers!

steviewren said...

Muse, all time favorite!

Who thinks of this stuff?

Kalianne@BygoneBeauty said...

These are way funny Cynthia. #4 had me in stitches! :-o)

soulbrush said...

teerific...made me roflol this morning. thanks. hugs.

Bibi said...

Oh, har, har! Lauged until I cried. I remembered some, but some were new.

Thanks for the chuckles!

Shellmo said...

I enjoyed every single one!

Mim said...

These are hysterical. Doesn't matter if you've heard them before, they're still cute and good for a giggle

MuseSwings said...

Ladies! Glad you enjoyed them - I did too!