Sunday, April 26, 2009

Get Me To The Church On Time!

It's Not Like I'm In a Hurry or Anything

(Originally posted in July 2008)

Whoa! Where do these people come from???? They drive one and a half miles an hour and have no concept of forward motion! They are called Sunday drivers for a good reason. They know better than to come out during the work week. They'd be shot. I left home for church with an entire 15 minutes to spare for the 3 mile drive, plus a Starbucks run. This generally works quite well. But things deteriorate immediately when a guy in a tan car pulls out in front of me on Alderman and goes one and a half miles an hour. He speeds up just as he gets to the light on US 19. HE gets through. Do I? Noooo. I have to wait for the 94 minute light to change. Florida traffic lights are SOOOOO slow. You can read a book, clean out your glove compartment, pull $37 worth of loose change out from under the seats and still have time to check your make-up and hair before it's time to go.

AARP Tan Chevy. Goes from zero to 15 in 3 minutes 42 seconds
(in fast lane with turn signal on)
I got away from tan car man for the second time on US 19. He had managed to travel 1 1/2 blocks in a 50 MPH zone. Then he made a dead stop (no turn signal) and turned into the shopping center for whatever. I don't care. Just so long as he's not clogging up traffic.

I turn into Starbucks and it's like the mall parking lot on Christmas Eve. I wait for 5 cars to back out and exit the lot. I get in the store, and there are only 3 people ahead of me but they are

ordering the usual 87 item coffee request. Half-half-decaf-light cream triple shot-caramel on the know what I mean. Plus the barrista is on the phone with the supplier, and the person at the cash register apparently just walked in off the street that very morning and doesn't know how to ring anything up. AAArrgh. 200 minutes later I get my latte, but Mister 87 Item Person is spread eagled over the sugar and cream station, covering any opportunity for me to just snag one napkin (MOVE!) while he counts out sugar grains and stirs his coffee 43 swirls and takes a month to get the lid on.
By now I am feeling so un-Christian I'm wondering if I should even go to church. But I do. Or attempt to. Mr. tan car's 3rd cousin is drifting along Nebraska Ave. He's motorized by the sea breeze perhaps at 12.2 MPH with his turn signal on, slowing to a dead stop at each intersection. We're on the one lane street now, Riviere Rd. so there's no chance of escape.
I idle along. and along. and along. Until he comes to his last dead stop and then s-l-o-w-l-e-y turns into his church parking lot. ( I just knew he had to be a different religion than I) Finally, I am free!!! I rev the engine up to 30 MPH (posted speed limit) well, okay, 34, and get to my

Anyone still in there?


church with a heathen attitude. At least with my latte in hand, plus that napkin I waited for, just as the first hymn starts wafting across the lot. Appropriately enough it is "I Am Free". I say a prayer of forgiveness for my evil thoughts toward my fellow man, barrista, tan car, tan car's 3rd cousin and the cash register person and I walk inside for some soul reconditioning. Amen! Enjoy your Sunday! I was late posting this. I took a nap!


Adel and Robyn Kadis said...

Excellent... I so enjoyed that. Your style of writing is bang on! I could feel every frustrating minute with you. But, I have to ask, do you really take your Starbucks Latte into church with you and sip away while worshipping?

Betsy said...

Oh...this was SO funny! I think a lot of us can relate to this! Up here in Ohio it's usually a big tractor or combine that pulls out right in front of you and goes 10 mph On a windy road where it is impossible to pass safely. And it always happens when you are already running late.
I hear you....loud and clear! At least our church serves the coffee, so there's no stopping on the way.

Martha said...

Ha, ha, ha, Oh the joys of living in the Sunshine State. Gotta love the elderly drivers who can't see over the hood of their car and appear as if No One is Behind the wheel. It's either that or the Canadians with their left turn signal on for the whole snowbird season.

MuseSwings said...

Hello A&R - yes. Our church has a cafe, and we are encouraged to stop for coffee and conversation before and after the service. Coffee is welcome in church.

Shellmo said...

LOL!! I am definitely laughing out loud! I can picture the whole scene in my head! But really - there needs to be better driver education out there....hurry up people!!!

Sparky ♥ ∞ said...

ROFLMAO ... Now, see, that's why I love living in the country so much! No traffic, except for an occasional confused squirrel or frightened Jay Bird in the path. [lol]
Our church is laid back too. We all carry water and relax. It's an organized, subdued, polite family atmosphere. Very nice. :o)

Bibi said...

Am currently a victim (since last Thursday...) of internet havoc, so I haven't been checking blogs! Been using scheduled posting from friends' places.

I can totally sympathize with you on this post, but if you really want a taste of the thrill of driving, pop on over sometime. We either have drivers who could double as stuntmen anytime, or else those from out of town who sometimes stop on a roundabout and back up....

Blicky Kitty said...

I'm so glad there's someone else who has a less than Christian ride to church. Don't those jerks know that a stop sign is just a suggestion? You're supposed to nose out, then roll through. I like to think we have a forgiving and loving God -- except when it comes to slowpoke drivers. I wouldn't be surprised if they had a swarm of locusts eating their tulips when they got home!

jeannette stgermain said...

this was funny! Isn't Sunday a day of "rest"? But we are so used to hurry all week long, that rest means getting there quickly:)