Thursday, February 26, 2009

The Realistic Virgo

Virgo needs to look less like this





And more like this



I need to start writing my own horoscopes. Those in the paper are always speaking to an energetic, moneyed, superhuman, organized, perfectionist, and social career woman.

What I need is a daily word of encouragement for a late sleeping 401Kless, nere-do-well, drop it anywhere, leave it there for 5 weeks, unemployed hermitized unemployed blogger.



I want it to say stuff like this:



Thursday, February 26th: This is a good day for Virgo's to stay in bed. Fluff those pillows and move your coffee pot to the nightstand. Take out a good book, but be ever so careful lest the tall stack that bows in the middle and defies gravity should fall on your head necessitating the need to shower (and don't forget to shave those legs - it's been 4 days now and you are starting to look like a subject for a Cactus Monday post) in order to go to Emergency. To-do lists are not for you, Virgo. If you have one, use it for a coffee coaster. Plans for the day should consist soley of a trip to the You So Lucky Nail Salon or the candy aisle at Publix. Circus Peanuts candies will improve your aura and with your current financial situation, 3 for $5 is like found money. Virgo's are optimistically inclined to get by on good looks and the seat of their pants today. Wallow in that attitude. The Mister can do the vacuuming and empty the dishwasher. Energy level equals your lucky number of the day: ZILCH.



Virgo Lucky Number




The Hermitization Of the Virgo Psyche







18 comments:

Margaret Ann said...

Dang...you are soooo good! Love this...every word...every single fabulous word!

Marie Reed said...

DITTO! This is good stuff lady..hmmm.. this would be a great blog angle within itself! People would flock to this kind of daily horoscope..hmmmm...

Betsy said...

Hey...I'm a virgo...and my coffee pot is already on my nightstand! LOL.

Sparky ♥ ∞ said...

Oh Cindy do Taurus pleeaaasssee! :o)) I want to see what you'd do with our stubborn natures and our bull, uh, like appearance. [lol]
That was hilarious! The laughter sure cleared my sinus'. You are a trip and a half! ♥ ∞

Lavinia said...
This comment has been removed by the author.
Lavinia said...

Muse you're such a card. This so called horoscope of yours amounts to little more than a clever ruse. Those of us in the know, are aware that your true horoscope reads more like this: Virgo, your stars are aligned today for a '97 bottle of pink Moet and Chandon. Downing a flute or two of this while still in your satin peignoir before the clock strikes noon, will get your day off to a smashing start. Choose the Bentley today as the Rolls has something unlucky about its upholstery at the moment. Your trip to town should include a stop at the jewellers, to give your wits and your fingers a work-out. From there proceed as usual to the house of the funny little man on the edge of town, otherwise known as Sammy the safecracker. Give his wares a good inspection, after all a bond in hand is worth two in someone else's vault. Midday will see your planetary influences in violent collision--best to take a snooze through that storm. Evening will bring a surprise. If it's the unwanted kind (flashing lights, siren, men with badges), make like the proverbial banana and split!

Debby said...

I'm on the cusp of Taurus and Gemini. Please, Madame Muse, can you tell me my horoscope?

Martha said...

Thank you for this insight, my husband is a Virgo. Plus, he is going through MANapause.

Lavinia said...

Debby, you put the "Gem" in Gemini. OR should that be, take the gem *out* of Gemini!!!

Blicky Kitty said...

Ooooh ooooh ooooh Aquarius pulease! This could be a blog topic in itself!

MuseSwings said...

Looks like I need to put my psycho powers to work on some horoscopes for my blogbuddies! I'll work on that. After all ya'll deserve an easy to live with low maintenance horoscope just as much as I do. How did you know what my real horoscope of the day was, Lavinia! You peeked.
Betsy I thought of you as I typed the coffee on the nightstand line - you showed us an actual picture of yours and I've been jealous ever since. I have to walk all the way to the kitchen!

steviewren said...

Please please, read my horror-scope. I'm a Gemini. You know, the tortured twosome. And while you're at it could you read my palms too? (good news only, please)

Debby said...

Hey, Lavinia...if someone is taking the gem out of anything, I'm pretty sure you're involved, ma'am. You, Stevie, and Blicky. I've checked and now I am just an 'ini'. Give me back my GEM. Right now! MUSEY! MAKE THEM GIVE ME BACK MY GEM!

Oh. And as long as you're doing horoscopes and palm readings, what about tea leaves and crystal balls? No pressure here. Just start predicting wonderful things for everyone. Pronto.

Poetikat said...

Wow, four days without shaving your legs and you start to worry? How about 40? I'm planning a trip to Rwanda and I want to blend in with the Silverbacks.

Kat

Stanley said...

Hahahah, yeah! GO for it. You need to start writing your own destiny xP (Lol, I sound like some old chinese guy from those martial arts film)

Sandy said...

HAHAHAHAHAH, write one for sagitarrius, haha..please...just kidding however, if you take all the negative traits of the sag, that is MEEEEEE...

too funny...

Renee said...

Please write up another for me. Aries please and make it exactly like yours.

xoxoxo

The Crusty Crone said...

BWAH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

oh... Hi! Sandy sent me over to check you out. And she was right. I've only read two blog entries and you've moved right up to the top of my faves. Well, almost. I never tell who is on the very top cause, you know, it might hurt someone's feelings or sumptin. (Not really. I seriously doubt that anyone even wonders about it.)

Gawd, I love a good laugh. Thanks for blogging!!

Crusty Crone