Stress Test? Stress Test? Who Needs a Stress Test?!?!

I passed my stress test today. I studied. It's the other stresses. The every day stuff that makes my heart go wacko. Not running on a treadmill. That only made me thirsty.

My list of things that are stressful. These are NOT in order of the heart palpitation factor:



Linda Gelanela standing in front of Pinellas County while she gives the weather report (MOVE)

Working

Not Working

Applying for jobs

Being ignored when I apply for jobs

Ignoring job application alerts

Physical examinations

Stress tests

Deciding what's for dinner

Watching Saving Grace (talk about stress!)

Things that go bump in the night

Watching my 401K descend into Never Never Land

Never Never Land

Michael Jackson

Traffic

People driving tan cars

Trying to get to church on time

Hurricane reports

People who take giant steps across the parking lot to get in front of me at Starbucks

People who are spread eagled over the sugar and cream station so I can't get JUST ONE napkin

Losing stuff

Forgetting why I opened the refrigerator

Car making a kabink kabink kabink sound

Leaving my shoes all over the house

Looking for the shoes I left all over the house

The dogs staring at me (WHAT?)

Billy Mays commercials (stop screaming at me!) (SHUT UP)

News Reporters standing on Clearwater Beach with rain slickers on reporting on hurricanes

The Mister staring at me (WHAT?)

Talk Radio (any)

Forgetting where I put stuff

Make-up counter ladies (What's with the attitude and quit looking down your nose at me)

Having to get out of bed before 9:00

Sleeping till 9:00

Sleeping later than 9:00

Dryer lint

Trying to figure out what to wear for a stress test

Football season

Wondering about being old

Remembering that I'm already old

Looking in the vegetable drawer ( I am not responsible enough to buy and store fresh produce)

Having to remove unidentified oozing objects from the vegetable drawer

Things that go bump in the night in the vegetable drawer

Trying to live up to other people's standards

Trying to live up to my own standards

Forgetting I only have to concern myself with living up to God's standards

Watch Out! Virgos May have an Attitude Today!

Today's Yahoo Horoscope for Virgos: Not everyone can be as informed and as experienced as you are, and it's not always their fault. So cut some people some slack when they frustrate you with their questions. They are just working at their own pace and abilities, and they are dong their best -- you can't fault them if their best isn't good enough for you. Instead of getting frustrated with them, just go off and take care of other things. They'll feel less pressure, and you'll feel less restricted.

Cut some slack.. Heh heh. I love it. Doin' the best they can. Heh. Heh.

Sooooo, I've been right all along. Not everyone can be as informed and experienced as us Virgo's. That explains a lot about my attitude when I'm out and about in the big world dealing with obviously non-Virgo Sunday drivers, Starbucks customers, shoppers, meteorologists who stand in front of the weather map, the lady who does her eye make-up in such a way that it looks like her eyes are upside down, sales people, grocery baggers, Order takers at the "other" Dunkin Donuts. You name it. I try to cut them some slack. Sure. The professor in one of my psychology type classes asked why we talk about other people. Someone said "Because they are asking for it." I need to change that to: Because they are not Virgo. I don't believe in horoscopes, but when they say something like this it is necessary to pay attention and share with other signs.

As for the "other" Dunkin Donuts - I had to quit going through the drive through. It was misnamed, for one thing. It should have been called the "sit here until hell freezes over -thru". Here's a sample of the typical ordering dialogue: AND I am NOT exaggerating!

After 15 minute wait at speaker with only one other person ahead of me:

Go ahead.

I'd like a large iced latte with skim milk only and a large iced coffee with mocha and cream

So, you want 2 medium coffees and did you want any donuts today

No, I'd like a large iced latte with skim milk only and a large iced coffee with mocha and cream

Did you want that medium coffee hot or cold?

I'd like a large iced........etc. (I make eye contact to the person waiting behind me and roll my eyes)

Oh, OK, make that a large iced latte. What flavor did you want in it?

I'd like a large....etc. No flavor.

Oh - no flavor. Whipped cream?

I'd like a.....etc. no flavor, no whipped cream.

Will that be all today?

Did you get the other drink?

That medium coffee?

No, that large iced....

And it goes on. And on.

So. I had to get away from there. I don't think it had to do with whether they are Virgo's or not. Is there a sign for "don't understand the spoken language?" I go to the Dunkin donuts in the Hess Station. There's something about eye contact. They don't even ask. They just take a look at me and start making the drinks. Unless a new person shows up on the job. They ask what I want, and I don't remember how to say the order. I haven't had to say the order for 3 months.

So, getting back to Virgo's, our tendencies are:

Blonde - check

Blue eyed - check

Taller than average - actually I'm an inch shorter than I started out

Slender - welllllllllllll I was once.

Thin eyebrows (really!) They are now - I started ripping them out when I was 14. I looked like a Yettie.

Intelligent- Of course!

Artistic - absolutely

Methodical - er. uhm...

Orderly - listmaker - yes! Has anyone seen today's list? I lost it.

Wholesome - of course. Unless I have to park in BFE.

I'm the only Virgo among my siblings, so the rest of youse guys are going to just have to go along with this. Especially the three of you Leo's who are having birthdays at the end of this month. By the way, I told mom I was on to her -that when I counted backwards 9 months from July, I came up with October. Wedding Anniversary.

This was a lot from a person who couldn't even believe, for a time, her parents actually had sex. Despite the fact that there were six other kids in the house with me. So what.

Happy Birthday, Leo Sissy and Bro's - especially the one who is turning the big Six-Oh. Welcome to the club.

Happy Birthday Joe, Janet and Jim!

After I contemplated the picture of that birthday cake for a while I realized it looks like it has dog food pressed around the sides. No cake for me, thank you. I'm.... er...ahhh.. watching my waistline. Yeah, that's the ticket. Erp.

Get Me To The Church On Time!

Whoa! Where do these people come from???? They drive one and a half miles an hour and have no concept of forward motion! They are called Sunday drivers for a good reason. They know better than to come out during the work week. They'd be shot. I left home for church with an entire 15 minutes to spare for the 3 mile drive, plus a Starbucks run. This generally works quite well. But things deteriorate immediately when a guy in a tan car pulls out in front of you on Alderman and goes one and a half miles an hour. He speeds up just as he gets to the light on US 19. HE gets through. Do I? Noooo. I have to wait for the 94 minute light to change. Florida traffic lights are SOOOOO slow. You can read a book, clean out your glove compartment, pull $37 worth of loose change out from under the seats and still have time to check your make-up and hair before it's time to go.

I got away from tan car man for the second time on US 19. He had managed to travel 1 1/2 blocks in a 50 MPH zone. Then he made a dead stop (no turn signal) and turned into the shopping center for whatever. I don't care. Just so long as he's not clogging up traffic.

I turn into Starbucks and it's like the mall parking lot on Christmas Eve. I wait for 5 cars to back out and exit the lot. I get in the store, and there are only 3 people ahead of me but they are ordering the usual 87 item coffee request. Half-half-decaf-light cream triple shot-caramel on the bottom...you know what I mean. Plus the barrista is on the phone with the supplier, and the person at the cash register apparently just walked in off the street that very morning and doesn't know how to ring anything up. AAArrgh. 200 minutes later I get my latte, but Mister 87 Item Person is spread eagled over the sugar and cream station, covering any opportunity for me to just snag one napkin (MOVE!) while he counts out sugar grains and stirs his coffee 43 swirls and takes a month to get the lid on. By now I am feeling so un-Christian I'm wondering if I should even go to church. But I do. Or attempt to. Mr. tan car's 3rd cousin is drifting along Nebraska Ave. He's motorized by the sea breeze perhaps at 12.2 MPH with his turn signal on, slowing to a dead stop at each intersection. We're on the one lane street now, Riviere Rd. so there's no chance of escape.

I idle along. and along. and along. Until he comes to his last dead stop and then s-l-o-w-l-e-y turns into his church parking lot. ( I just knew he had to be a different religion than I) Finally, I am free!!! I rev the engine up to 30 MPH (posted speed limit) well, okay, 34, and get to my church with a heathen attitude. At least with my latte in hand, plus that napkin I waited for, just as the first hymn starts wafting across the lot. Appropriately enough it is "I Am Free". I say a prayer of forgiveness for my evil thoughts toward my fellow man, barrista, tan car, tan car's 3rd cousin and the cash register person and I walk inside for some soul reconditioning. Amen! Enjoy your Sunday! I was late posting this. I took a nap!

May I please see your Green Card?

Is these pictures magic or what? A friend of mine - who happens to own a hummingbird feather - sent these pics of a friend of hers. With a little patience she has these sweet little birds eating out of her hand!

I spot a lone hummingbird once in a while in the yard, but not often enough to try this. I'd just wind up with a bunch of squirrels sitting on my head.

We were on our way to dinner at Sonny's last night and walked by the 24 hr Starbucks. The mister said - is that your Bosnian soccer team? (That's from a post of several weeks ago when I was there with my Bible study posse) Sure enough, it was. I wanted to stop for coffee after we ate - I wanted to see if they thought the Mr. was one of their compadre's and would talk to him. This is based on his swarthy Romanian looks. He opted not to stop, and kind of steered me away by walking right next to me and sort of leaning me off to the left towards the car.

During lunch hours I used to go to a Starbucks in N. St. Pete with my friend Kathy. Every day there was a group of Bosnian men there. One cup of espresso on the table. A dozen guys. All day. It used to tick off the Starbucks employees and the customers because these guys used up most of the tables and chairs. They'd be there for hours. Kathy and I'd manage to find a seat most times. But this group of guys was particularily unfriendly and were kind of distracting when their friends would pull up next to the curb to shout at each other.

Kathy and I found an on line translation site and we figured out how to say things like:

May I please see your Green Card?

Would you please move your fat-ass van out of the fire lane?

No, you may not take that chair.

Is that a detonator in your pocket?

We never really took the opportunity to say anything to them( they were rather surly) , but we'd crack ourselves up putting Bosnian sentences together.

Don't get me wrong, I've got nothing against people from Bosnia - I just don't like getting crowded out of Starbucks. And typically it's a group of Bosnian men who are good at doing that. There was a shooting at the downtown Clearwater Starbucks (Over by the Scientology Hotel) several years ago. One guy got killed. Bosnians. Probably a fight over chairs. How do you say "watch your head" in Bosnian?

I'm just planning to do things around the house today. No outside adventures further away than the mail box. Got to re pot a couple of orchids, sweep the lanai and keep an eye out for rain. We got about 10 drops total yesterday, meanwhile it was pouring buckets north, south, east and west of us. I was standing outside while it was raining and I couldn't even feel it. I'll let you know how today goes! Good of you to stop by! What are you up to today?

She Ain't Naked, She's a Mermaid!

My Bible Study posse and I dissed Panera Bread last night. We graced Starbuck's with our presence instead. We were afforded the opportunity to critique the Starbuck's logo for the sake of the "Christian" radicals who take issue with her naked mermaid body. We made a serious effort and reviewed all available logos. The logo on the cup looks like an old style woodcut and gives just a hint of nudity. Children under 13 may look at it with parental consent. The logo on the paper sleeve is more graphic. Although she definitely has a womanly form and a shapely bosom, she don't got no buttons. So, I'm thinking that maybe she's wearing a t-shirt or a summer weight sweater and you just can't see the sleeves on accounta her hair. This is settled as far as I'm concerned. Star Lady is okay by Christian standards even though she is probably not one. Here's an evangelical opportunity that I will leave to the professionals. Check this information about sirens, aka mermaids from a Christian viewpoint. Thanks for the input from simply-lovely-me@blogspot.com

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Siren#In_Christian_thought



The ladies and I had a very pleasant evening of supportive conversation and belly laughs. We sat outside, one table over from the Bosnian soccer team. The evening was pleasantly cool by Florida standards (about 82 degrees in the shade). We enjoyed a steady evening breeze from cars speeding through the parking lot and the sound of squealing tires drowned out all the noise from the motor cycles and rap music on US 19.

The guy who comes by and sprays my lawn to keep it green and save us from getting terse letters from our home owners association took the opportunity to meet with us personally yesterday. The way he banged on the door I thought it was a drug raid. Wrong house. It seems our grass is dry. Crunchy, actually. He thought it would be a good idea, based on the 3 month drought we are experiencing, that we might just turn the sprinkler system on now and again and give the grass a break. We do - on our personal private one day a week that we are allowed, and assigned by law, to run the sprinkler. This holy day of observation is based on the alignment of the planets, the last 4 digits of our combined social security numbers and an odd/even address system. All I know is Thursday's the day.

Lawn Man dragged the Mister by the arm over to the timer where, lo and behold, they discovered that, although we are watering the grass every week, each zone is running for only 5 minutes. Lawn Man pointed a surly finger in the Mister's face and explained that under these inhumane conditions our lawn is expected to stay green and healthy on a thimble full of water once a week. (Also, my dog waters the lawn a few times a day but that's beside the point. She is a small dog so thimbleful applies to her as well) (No wonder my water bill doesn't suck.) (It will now). Lawn Man would not get into his truck until he was assured that the timer was set to something a bit more realistic. As Lawn Man drove off into the sunset the grass blades were talking quietly among themselves - very much like the Thai ladies at my nail salon. I'm convinced that in both cases they are talking about me.

We are expecting a very important delivery today! The Mister has his ear to the front door as I speak. What is this treasure? This mystery package of pure pleasure? It's gourmet food of the third kind: Detroit's own National Coney Island Chili and hot dogs! This is not health food by any standards whatsoever. There are no soy products, no leafy green vegetables and certainly no long or short chain Omega fatty acids. Forget about reading the ingredients - they are not for the faint of heart. Just heat and eat with plenty of chopped onions. Oooooh mama! See http://www.nationalconeyisland.com/

Plans for the day? Lets see... A little daytime TV, perhaps a few rounds of Bookworm (I scored 2.3 million on my last game level 37 - I'm Bookworm Supreme) and I'll make a list of important household tasks to do some other day. Oh, and a book to read: Maggie, by Charles Martin. (Thanks C1!) There's something good to be said for being unemployed!